(I'm a writer, not an editor. These are unedited notes and reflections. Please excuse any spelling mishaps.)

When I first started reading the Course in Miracles I was an atheist. Why would read such a book if you were an atheist? Fair question. I bought it because I was attending support groups for single parents and the facilitator, Barb Costello, was teaching the principles to us each week. 

Every week we'd learn something new about moving from fear to love, the difference between truth and illusion and so forth. She never mentioned God (it was a city funded program) so I didn't really realize it had "religious" language until I picked it up.

I remember the day. I drove myself to Barnes and Nobles excited to see where on earth these amazing teachings originated from. I asked the clerk for help and she walked me over to the section. I opened it up and boom. Religious language. Gosh darn it!

I closed it and remember feeling defeated. I hated organized religion. And, rightly so. Many people have experienced trauma in organized religion. However, I also couldn't ignore that many people also found their freedom in religion. 

I made a bet with myself. I agreed to read it for the principles only. If I saw the word God, I would replace it with the word "love." And I decided to purchase the Course.

This was a life changing decision. The Course is one of the only texts that made 99.97% of sense to me. Yet, I grappled with the language. It explained that the language represents aspects of God and our belief in truth is not required for truth to be true. Well that was true.

The Course, if you are not familiar, uses the term "God" for our Source and Creator that gives us life and our eternal Soul.  It uses the term Christ. All of us are Sons and Daughter's of God and Christ is here to guide us as the Way and the Truth and the Life. It uses the term Holy Spirit. This I could grasp due to my religious studies in Native American traditions and Taoism. 

The biggest question on my heart was... Is "God" conscious or unconscious?

Unconscious would be like the big-bang that created the universe and yet was just energy randomly popping around and expanding and reacting randomly.  If everything is energy, then I could conclude that the concept of "God" is scientific and energetic. This could explain why Chinese Medicine and Chi Gong are such powerful healers.

Conscious would mean that God is aware and capable of creation. God could communicate, interact and facilitate outcomes. This would explain why there such a monumental gap between the animal kingdom and human kind, it would explain perfection of design and the sustainability factor that isn't present in chaos theory. It could also explain miracles, which science and medicine just throw up their hands with uncertainty.

Something that trumped me for decades though is the missing link. If evolution is the only means that the planet and all animals developed from then why are humans the only species to have developed 100 times farther than any other species?

Think about this, it is crazy to consider! Animal species all stabilized and capped out around the same level of evolution. They hunt, live, respond to immediate stimulation, etc. Basic. Not complicated.

Human beings somehow magically developed capacities that blow the animal kingdom out of the water! Here is the short list. We... 

• Do calculus, craft scientific formulas, create massive architecture feats, we create art, we dance, create over 20 genres of different types of music, we craft musical instruments, we write poetry, we can make-love and not just have sex to pro-create or "get off", etc...
• Create menus and recipes, we create cars, boats, airplanes, we fly to the moon, we created computers, systems, networks, bombs, guns, machine guns, steel mills, rings, lightbulbs, etc., we hug, cry, laugh, play games, football, charades, we decorate for Christmas, celebrate birthdays., etc...
• Place windows in our homes, rugs on our floors, we destroy anything we want, we use plastic, we fly kites, we create gardens and grow our own food, we sing, we have Olympic competitions, we have ambulances and doctors and medicine, etc...

You can't tell me this is all because of a simple opposable thumb. That's just dumb logic. 

When the Bible and the Course say we were created in the image of God, well we certainly did inherit the ability and capacity to create. If evolution alone was solely responsible for getting us here, then it stands to reason we'd see more species that at least would have met us half way.  If chaos, created us as perfect as we are (have you studies the human body?! OMG it is an absolute miracle) then why did all other species cap out except one?

All of these truths brought me to at least acknowledge that there was WAY more to life than meets the eye. Science is so limited to what can be observed and measured. If something exists we do not have a tool to see or measure, then we will miss the mark. Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence. 

There I was, scared stiff. I was in 7th grade at a slumber party at my best friend's house. We were playing the Ouija board, supposedly speaking to spirits or ghosts, and what it landed on freaked me out!

I grew up in a mostly non-religious family. It was an odd combination of only going to church on Easter and never saying grace. I would ask my parents, "Why are there so many religions? Which one is real?" My mom would reply, "Whatever you believe is true." 

Now I was a true investigator since the ripe age of 5. I grew up in the country in a cabin and explored the secret lives of creek snails and sat still until the butterflies would land on me at the watering hole. I wanted to know the truth about everything. So when I heard, "Whatever you believe is true." I had my first existential crisis to navigate.

After playing with the concepts of ghosts and spirits in middle school with friends, doing fake seances, and having weirdly unexplainable experiences as a child, I decided that extrasensory anything was way too scary and I wanted nothing to do with it.

I was so scared of the dark growing up I would duck my head and look away as I crept my hand around the corner of my room to flip on the light.

I made a pact with myself to only believe in what is measurable, observable and objective. This served me for years. I never thought of life beyond there being 'more than meets the eye.'

Until one day...

I was laying on my bed. I had hit what felt like rock bottom. I suffered from anxiety, depression and stress eating. After I overate, yet again, I laid there and asked myself over and over, "What is wrong with me?" "What is wrong with me?" "Why can't I figure this out?" 

I felt numb. Helpless. 

I decided it would be best to distract myself. I got myself up, walked myself over to my mother's bookshelves and plopped myself down right next to one of them. She had what seemed like thousands of books. History, fiction, self-help, gardening, cooking, non-fiction, biographies. You name it.

Well, without giving it much thought I grabbed a book.

I opened that book to a random page. 

I glanced down at a random paragraph.

What happened next changed me forever. My eyes landed on the exact sentence, "This should be a relief to all of you out there who have been wondering "What's wrong with me?" 

I gasped. Everything I knew about reality seemed to crumble. I just asked the question. I was answered. But how was this possible? There are thousands of books, how did I happen to pick this one. There are hundreds of pages, how did I happen to open to that page? There were many, many sentences. How did my eyes happen to land on that one???

I sat stunned. I cried. Maybe there was help out there? Maybe there is more to life than science and data points and measurements. What just happened???

This experience began my 20-year search for the "more to life than meets the eye". What had I been missing? What is the truth about religions, God, science?

What I have since learned, I will be sharing with you in these Chronicles. If you are curious, atheist or agnostic and yet wonder what is beyond sight, I hope my experience and research provide some fun and inspiring insights along your spiritual exploration.

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P.S. I went back years later and found the book in my mom's collection to double check that my memory was accurate. I am a skeptic first, so I had to be sure my brain didn't extraplate a memory or it wasn't a dream.  

The book is Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway, by Dr. Susan Jeffers. I found it, page 4.

My mom has her name in it, "J. Bartch". I highlighted the sentence in green and posted a picture of it below. (The orginal had no underlines or highlights that would have pulled my site to that phrase.)

My life was swirling. I was a single mom. I owned and operated my own businesses. I became a professional coach because I wanted to help people completely transform their lives. I felt called. So when I took the leap, I was scratching my head around why it was so hard to make ends meet. 
 
I had crafted a really wonderful and amazing balance as an entrepreneur. My first business was a handmade tile studio. I created meaningful murals for people’s homes and also for public memorials. My second business was my private coaching practice. 
 
In the mornings I would get messy and creative. In the afternoons I would help people reach a new potential. Yet, why did I always just get by when it came to making ends meet? Why couldn’t I get ahead? As a single mom of three I was in constant fear over whether or not I would have bills met next month. 
 
The fear: 1) impacted my confidence as a coach, 2) kept me reconsidering my passions and 3) was exhausting. 
 
I would argue with myself, “I just need to toss my passions aside and get a real job. Passions are a luxury.” And then I’d land another client, or a mosaic installation and think, “maybe this time it will be different finally.”  
 
And… I had my morning affirmations. And... I set clear goals. And… I had my vision board with pictures of healthy food and trips to Greece. I was doing all those Law of Attraction things they say to do!  So why was the Law of Attraction not working for me!?
 
I also scratched my head because my clients received excellent benefits from working with me and the art was fulfilling and brought people joy. So, shouldn’t that just automatically equate to wild success and financial freedom?!  
 
It turns out not necessarily. This pattern of stress and poverty went on for years. But what I learned is that it wasn’t poverty of the checkbook that was the biggest issue, it was the poverty in my mind.
 
My dear friend, and coach, pointed it out to me directly.  After watching me struggle one last time she finally said, “My dear, it makes complete sense.  You are living in constant fear and so the message you are sending out is one of lack. Fear blocks abundance. Let’s get you on the track to abundance.” 
 
She had me make a daily list: 1) My responsibilities for today. 2) God’s responsibilities for the day. 
 
In essence she had me delegate what I couldn’t control, but I could ask for a positive outcome, to the Universe.  I wasn’t sure if it would work, but it felt like a weight was lifted each time I made a list and asked for help.  
 
My time was also so choked because I was trying to do it all myself. I had to honor my limits and learn how to let go and let God.
 
Each morning I made my list. It would look something like this:
 
Laurel’s Action Items:                                                 Universe Helps:

• Call to see why cable isn’t working             - Connect with someone helpful when I call
• Work on my budget                                          - Provide resources for business growth
• Go the networking event                                - Guide me to connect with the right people
• Take car to get brakes fixed                            - Help me locate an honest mechanic

 
That was Step one.  Asking.
 
It turns out asking is great, but unless we are open to receiving, we can block the very abundance we seek. This leads to step two. Receiving.
 
Step two was much harder.  I had to decide I had had enough of fear and struggle and stife.  I had to fire fear as a foe. I took a stand and declared, “From now on I walk by Faith, not by sight.”
 
I refused to live in fear anymore. If a thought crept in, or a pink slip from a utility company showed up, I would say, “That’s nice. God always provides. Help is on its way.” End of story. No doubt was allowed in for this experiment. I was even prepared to keep walking in faith, even if the utilities were turned off. 
 
What was the result? 
 
The first month I decided to pay only all the bills that were not connected to my credit. I held the faith that the money would show up and was on its way. I got behind in month one on utilities, but refused to give in. The water company threatened to turn it off.  “God provides. It is on its way.” I restated.
 
The second month money started showing up. I got caught up. I thought that was nice, but not enough proof to completely prove faith was the culprit for reversing the fear pattern.  
 
The third month, I began to get ahead. I had money for the kid’s clothes in advance and felt a sigh of relief.  While over the 3 months of fear fasting, I wasn’t living in fear, but in the back of my mind there was a question of whether or not this shift was going to work out, or not. 
 
Six months later all was still going really well.  I thought, “Well isn’t this interesting. Maybe the fear was keeping me more stuck than I knew.” I kept it up and guess what? My income thermostat setting lifted. I haven’t struggled since. Even months that normally dip don’t bother me or last very long.  
 
What I learned:
 

• Doing tasks isn’t enough. Our state of being is what makes or breaks our doing. 
• Fear is a default setting. Faith is a choice. 
• Fear has a frantic energy. Abundance is calm and confident. 
• Fear generates more distress. Abundance calls in more abundance.
• Affirmations work once we’ve declared them as our truth. 

 
When we live in the “no”, life goes so slow. 
When we move into the Know, life really begins to grow!
 
This is my story.  How would you like to write yours?  What can you delegate to the Universe?